remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
