Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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