overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I look excited, but its just a facade.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
