remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
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I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
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He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
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