I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
