I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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