she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
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We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
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If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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