Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
