Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
A bitchslap is in order.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
