she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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