Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
