I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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