i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
