My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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