I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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