So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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