We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
