I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
