i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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