who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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