Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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