I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
