Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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