I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
