Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
