So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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