My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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