he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
