I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
this just has baby written all over it
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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