never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
