i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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