His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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