Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
