he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just gargled with NyQuil
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
