when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
