I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
