Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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