i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
