I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Pooping to opera.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
