I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
