Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
