Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
