god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your cock deserves a montage
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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