she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
