One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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