you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
