listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
