We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
