Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Let's get the cat blown out
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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