The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
