I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize