I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
