Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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