Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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