Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
