somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
