Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
