My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
